I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom for trapped children, flames rolling above your head, your palms and knees burning as you crawl, floor sagging under you weight as the kitchen below you burns.
I wish you could comprehend a wife’s horror at 3am as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late but wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try to save his life.
I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I’ve become too familiar with.
I wish you could understand how it feels to go to work in the morning after having spent most of the night, hot and soaking wet at a multiple alarm fire.
I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire, “Is this a false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?” Or to an EMS call, “What is wrong with the patient, is it minor or life-threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he/she waiting for us with a 2×2 or a gun?”
I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful 5 year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes. Who will never go on her first date or say the words, “I love you mommy” again.
I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine or my personal vehicle, the driver his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right of way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, “It took you forever to get here!”
I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. “What if this was my sister, my girlfriend, or a friend? What are her parents reaction going to be when they open the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?”
I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.
I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally and sometimes physically abuse us or belittle what we do, or express their attitude of “It will never happen to me.”
I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain, missed meals, lost sleep and foregone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.
I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone’s property, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order out of total chaos.
I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, “Is mommy okay?” Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from you own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having rescue breathing done on him as they take him away in the ambulance. You know all along he didn’t have his seatbelt on.
A sensation I have become all too familiar with.
Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are or what our job really means to us…I wish you could though.